Ada Conversations Part 4

I am the pushover parent. Laura Beth tells me it's not fair because the kids will remember me as the "fun" parent while she will be known as the fuddy-duddy. She didn't really say fuddy-duddy, I have just wanted to use that word for a LONG time. But seriously, as a dad one of the hardest things for me to do is tell my children no. I give them candy when Laura Beth isn't looking and have been known to instigate tickle fights while we're reading stories at bedtime. My bad, LB.

In an effort to atone for my spineless parenting tactics, I thought I would list a couple of examples where I have recently had to tell Ada no:

Example 1:

Ada: Dad, can you take me to outer space?
Scott: Oh, I'm afraid not.
Ada: Why not?
Scott: To be able to go to outer space you have to be a super healthy, super smart, and a lot older.
Ada: Ok, starting tomorrow, while I am waiting to get older, I will only eat vegetables for dinner.
Scott: Well....
Ada: And, AND!!! 2 plus 2 is 4, so I'm already smart.

Example 2:

It was just Ada and me in the car. She had been quiet for a while when out of the blue she asks...

Ada: Dad is this a dream?
Scott: Is what a dream?
Ada: This...right now...is it a dream?
Scott: Nope.
Ada: How do we know this isn't a dream?

I'm still trying to think of an answer for that last one.

For other insights to Ada's profound wisdom, you can click here.

Texts from a Marriage...um Friendship: Duck Dynasty

Sometimes I take text conversations between LB and me and turn them into a post. Probably because we are like the Brad and Angelina of the blog world and everyone wants to know the intimate details of our lives. I know what you’re thinking, Scott, you’re much too handsome to be compared to Brad Pitt. I know, right? 

(Editor's note: This is my stock intro for when I turn texts between Laura Beth and me into posts. The below is actually texts between my buddy Taylor and me. We're not married. I don't have a stock intro for friendship texts.)

I don't care what it makes you think about me, Duck Dynasty is one of my favorite shows on television. If you haven't heard of it, it is reality show about a family of self made millionaires that like to blow up beaver dams. It may not be the most refined show on television, but I would argue that it promotes higher values than just about anything else you will watch (i.e. faith, clean humor, emphasis on family.)

Well, back in the summer one of the members of the show was going to be near my hometown doing publicity stuff so I emailed a couple of buddies and arranged for us to go meet him. It was Jace, my favorite of the Robertsons. Of course something happened where I didn't get to go, but my buddies did. And they both text me to let me know what I was missing out on. Here is my conversation with Taylor:

Taylor: 10min from meeting duck commander. Me and Bull have been in line for 1hr.
Scott: Im so jealous.
T: I am 20ft from him right now.
S: so you are probably standing on his beard?
T: Yeah, accidentally. And I think he shaved right before he got here.
S: Ask him if he is housing any small woodland creatures in there.
T: Actually, they did have a squirrel that could waterski here a few minutes ago.
S: Was it the one from Anchorman?
T: I don't know, but it was kind of a big deal.
S: Well, waterskiing or not, if Ms. Kay sees him he'll be stew.
T: If she's not busy with Phil.
S: I think we just described Phil's perfect night.
T:


S: Yall look so giddy.
T: Correct. We were.

I found these texts today when I was cleaning out my phone because the memory was getting low. It made me realize that I hadn't seen the Duck Dynasty gang in a while so I googled them and learned the new season of Duck Dynasty starts tonight! 10/9 CST on A&E. Obviously divine intervention is at work here so you should do yourself a favor and check it out.

And come to think of it, if I ever become a millionaire I would probably spend a little time blowing up beaver dams, too.

Who wouldn't?

Hand Raising and Hand Shaking

Several months ago we started going to a new church. They raise their hands there. Not to be called on or anything, that would be weird. I mean during worship songs. Then, not too long ago I saw this video and thought it was funny. I hope you do too.



For the record, I pretty much hang around in the "Elbow Flapper" stage, but I've been known to mix in the occasional foot tap to keep things fresh. Also, I never sing out loud. The bible tells us to make a joyful noise, if I sang it would be the opposite of that. And the last thing I want to do is the opposite of what the bible says.

I really enjoy this new church. I feel like truth is taught there and they have a genuine love for the gospel. Also, there are a lot people with beards. Mostly men, which is good. But one complaint I do have is the older gentleman who greets you when you first walk in is a limp-wrist handshaker. It's like trying to shake hands with a wet tube sock. And it is the first impression of the church! This isn't a good omen considering you are hopefully at church searching for something solid.

He appears to be a sweet old man who I am sure loves Jesus. That's why I think I am going to say something to him next week. Just yesterday, I read this Tim Challies article where he points out that admonition is not only loving, but commanded in scripture. And the last thing I want to do is the opposite of what the bible says.

The church greeter's handshake form may be the most underrated, never spoken about factor a visitor's decision to return to the church hinges on. In fact, pastors or church planters that might be reading, you should probably hold an Emergency Handshaking Boot Camp for all the greeters in your church ASAP. You can use this post from the now defunct Dr. Awesome site to guide the itinerary.

Guys, we may have just blown the doors off one of the most crippling problems in the church of modern America. I'm not going to lie, it feels good. If you were here, I would give every one of you a congratulatory firm-wrist handshake.

Do you ever do the opposite of what the bible says?

NICU, who?

I made a youtube!


  He learned everything you saw from watching me practice in the mirror at night. They are such sponges at this age, guys.

3yrs ago last Thursday John came home from the NICU. While he was there, he had a NICU friend named Roger. I posted about him once, but all that is irrelevant. Last week, in an act of vengeance, John challenged NICU to a dance off and won. Mostly because he is awesome, but a little because NICU doesn’t have legs.
  
And yes, I posted this pretty much word for word last week on facebook, but I am posting it again hear because I am a lazy, lazy blogger. I'm sorry.


MLK, JR

Last Monday was Martin Luther King, Jr Day. Also on last Monday, I listened to a Jay Z CD on my commute home. Correlation doesn't always imply causation, but this time it did. I am pretty sure one of Jay Z's songs had a xylophone in it. I wondered how a song I did with a xylophone in it would sound? Probably not the same as Jay Z's. Another one of his songs mentioned something about 30 being the new 20. I don't really know what that means, unless he is talking about weight. I have gained about 30lbs since I was 20. Though I did lose 8lbs in the month of January, so look out Ryan Gosling, here I come.

On that Monday morning, a radio station played Martin Luther King, Jr's "I have a dream" speech in its entirety. Have you ever heard it all the way through? Unfortunately, I hadn't in my previous 31 years of life but I did that day.You should right now:


And somewhere during that 15min+ speech, I'm pretty sure I turned into an elderly black lady sitting in church. While listening, I was all, "Mm-hmm!" and "You know that's right!" and I said it very vivaciously and with soul.

PS. I started to post this last week, however I came down with the swine flu and never got around to it. But now it is Black History Month so it is still timely.

The Office: Whoever vs. Whomever

LB and I will celebrate 7 years of marriage come this April. In those seven years, we've experienced both good times as well as hard times that have all contributed in forging a strong union between us that is bound together by trust, covenantal love, and Netflix streaming.

Netflix streaming has played an intricate part in our marriage over the last several years. We have shared many laughs and many tears because of it. True, some of that was me laughing at LB's tears over a tv show, but still, they were shared nonetheless. A couple weeks ago we finished watching The Wonder Years (Side note: It has stood the test of time, we both give it a thumbs up.) and we were stuck with one of our marriage's most reoccurring issues: "What do we watch next?"

LB was insistent on The Office and I couldn't find anything better so we went for it. I was hesitant because these days The Office isn't what it used to be. I think it is common knowledge that it has been dying a slow painful death for the last 4 or 5 seasons.

The Office has become a lot like my 8th grade girlfriend. When I first met her, she was from a different town so I wasn't very familiar with her, I wasn't accustomed to her style, and honestly, I didn't really like her very much. I still hung out with her a couple times though and then one day, she kissed me. Suddenly, I liked her a lot. I REALLY liked her for a few seasons. Those were happy times where we laughed together and I would tell anyone who would listen how wonderful she was. Then one day the subject of marriage came up (See: Jim and Pam. More importantly, regarding my analogy...8TH GRADE!) and things took a turn for the worse. It was never the same after that. There was still the occasional bright spot, but for the most part it was downhill on rollerskates. I wanted to call it quits, cut it off while everyone had their dignity, but she WOULD NOT GO AWAY. Finally, we broke up. I can't remember exactly how, but given the fact that it was 8th grade, I probably just didn't answer the phone anymore.

This is The Office's final season, so in few months we will break up, too. Thankfully, Parks and Recreation, one of my ALL TIME favorite sitcoms, is still going strong so I won't miss The Office when that time comes. But as LB and I have been going through those first few seasons, I was reminded of how great The Office used to be back in its prime. Just last night we watched my all time favorite episode, "The Injury". That's the episode where Michael burns his foot on his George Foreman grill. 

That is when I decided I wanted to pay a quick homage to the show. Remember the good ol' days. I think back to the show's glory days, one of the best things the show did was the conference room scenes. Bring all those guys together in one room and hilarity is sure to ensue. So I will close with one of my favorite conference room scenes, the Whoever vs. Whomever debate.

Ryan: What I really want — honestly, Michael — is for you to know it so you can communicate it to the people here, to your clients, to whomever.
Michael: Oh, okay…
Ryan: What?
Michael: It’s whoever, not whomever.
Ryan: No, it’s whomever…
Michael: No…whomever is never actually right.
Jim: Well, sometimes it’s right.
Creed: Michael is right. It’s a made-up word used to trick students.
Andy: No. Actually, whomever is the formal version of the word.
Oscar: Obviously, it’s a real word, but I don’t know when to use it correctly.
Michael: Not a native speaker.
Kevin: I know what’s right, but I’m not gonna say because you’re all jerks who didn’t come see my band last night.
Ryan: Do you really know which one is correct?
Kevin: I don’t know.
Pam: It’s whom when it’s the object of the sentence and who when it’s the subject.
Phyllis: That sounds right.
Michael: Well, it sounds right, but is it?
Stanley: How did Ryan use it, as an object?
Ryan: As an object…
Kelly: Ryan used me as an object.
Stanley: Is he right about that?
Pam: How did he use it again?
Toby: It was…Ryan wanted Michael, the subject, to, uh explain the computer system, the subject–
Michael: Yes!
Toby: –to whomever, meaning us, the indirect object…which is the correct usage of the word.
Michael: No one asked you anything, ever, so whomever’s name is Toby, why don’t you take a letter opener and stick it into your skull?

For the record, Laura Beth is my Parks and Recreation.

2012, the internet, and me

As we all know, I didn't do much on the internet last year, especially around here. However, I did show up randomly in a couple other web places:

-I was in a Tripp and Tyler video. It came out last February and was about Super Bowl party etiquette. Given the fact that I am an Atlanta Falcons/Alabama fan, I don't want to say anything about football right now. ESPECIALLY ABOUT TONIGHT. OMGOMGOMG!!!! Anyway, here is the video:




-Also sometime last year, I guest posted for Jared Hollier at jaredhollier.com. My guest post was back when he used to be Badly Drawn Bible so I drew a bible picture badly for him. It was originally one of my white board illustrations from back when LB and I used to work in the church nursery once a month and I would make these amazing, elaborate drawings that would coincide with what LB taught and help explain the point of the verses we were studying. I would be so proud of myself and the work I had done until I turned around and saw LB standing there with her hands on her hips giving me the stink eye and saying things like, "They're 3yrs old, can you just. draw. a. square?" Whatever, Laura Beth, you're never too young to appreciate some good art.

Anyway, my guest drawing was about Palm Sunday. You can go see it here. I also sent him the one below but I don’t think he ever used it and I have no idea why. It’s about the parable of the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18.

Yes, I know I misspelled scepter, but to my credit the whiteboard did not have spellcheck. Plus, they were 3, they might appreciate good art, but they can't spell.
Ok, I lied, one more thing about football. I have a friendly wager with Jared. Back story: He lives in Texas and is a Houston Texans fan. The Texans went 12-4 in the regular season and won their playoff game this past weekend. I am a Falcons fan and they went 13-3 and had a bye this weekend. The Texans are in the AFC and the Falcons are in the NFC. That means the only way they will play each other is if they both make it the Super Bowl which brings me to our bet. Since I live in Georgia and he lives in Texas we have decided that if they DO both make it to the Super Bowl we will meet in Mississippi to watch the game together and the loser has to pay for the other's gas back home.


Here's the thing, we made this bet a long time and I don't think Jared even remembers it. So, my plan is to never mention it to him again UNLESS both of our teams DO go and the Falcons DO win. Then I will send Jared a bill for what the gas would have cost me. If the scenario I laid out does not unfold as I described, the bet will never be mentioned again. Though I don't really know if this plan will hold up in the court of law should Jared happen to challenge it. The only thing I know about the legal system I learned from watching Judge Judy when I was unemployed back in 2011. Fingers crossed.

Also, please don't remind Jared.

Ok, I'm trying this one more time

Happy New Year, everyone! I know what you are thinking WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS? JUST STAY GONE. And I get it, I know that I should stop trying because it is just sad at this point. I post and am like "Hey guys, guess what? I didn’t quit blogging! Yay!!" Then go several months without posting anything and then come back and am like "Hey guys, guess what? I didn’t quit blogging! Yay!!" Then go several months without posting. Rinse and repeat, ad nauseum. Pathetic, right?

But the truth is, I just can't bring myself to quit. I really want to blog. So, this is me giving it one more shot. If I go for an extended time without posting, I promise I will hang it up for good and stop all this on again off again mess.  This is me being transparent, guys.

Speaking of transparent, if I do fail and you still want to keep up with our family you should read LB’s blog. She is so transparent and open and writes good words and stuff, she should totally write for a magazine or something.  Not one of those cheap magazines like US Weekly either, but something fancy like Vogue.  Wait, is Vogue fancy?  Sorry, I’m not up to date on my fancy magazines.  Whatever magazine you thought of when I said fancy magazine, insert that one above, ok? Also, for future reference, what was the fancy magazine you thought of?

Sorry, this post has gotten way off track. I did not intend to talk about fancy magazines. Let’s bring it back in. Where was I? Oh, my horrific blogging patterns, here’s the deal… we will chalk 2012 up as a mulligan. Let’s forget it ever happened and move on in 2013. 

So in a way this is kind of like my New Year’s resolution which is kind of a big deal because I usually only give myself easy resolutions that I know I can complete, like blink sometimes. Not this year, this year we are GOING BIG. Where big means to hopefully write more often on site read by maybe tens of people.
 
Aspirations, you guys. It’s always good to have aspirations.  

Hey guys, remember me?



I know, I know…it’s been a while since I have been here, but guys, I have legitimate reasons. I would go through them all so you would understand and have compassion for me but I don’t want to bore you, so let’s just skip everything and start with the compassion, guys. Deal? Thanks.

I will do a quick high level why I haven’t been around – its work’s fault. It started when another department lost some people so I filled in for them and was doing two jobs at once. They hired some people and I was back to normal for like a week. Then two people on our team left and now I am doing two jobs at once again. The bad news is while doing two jobs I have only been getting paid once.  The good news is I was awarded the Associate of the Month. What does that mean? I now have a paperweight that says Associate of the Month on it which will come in handy if a slight breeze ever picks up in the office.

Also, for the past week I have been working in The Home Depot’s hurricane command center. It is kind of cool and we have been on several news stations including the Today Show. I tried to find the link to the video with me waving to the camera in the background, but was unsuccessful. I did find this video from Fox Business: http://video.foxbusiness.com/v/1932487849001/. I was sitting in the row of desks right behind where the picture at the 1:02 mark was taken.  Apparently, The Today Show and Fox Business have an issue with someone giving the thumbs up during their hurricane coverage broadcasts. 

I’m on the other side of all of that stuff now so hopefully I can get back into the swing of things again and squeeze in a post during lunch every now and then. I realize I have posted two times in the past 3 months and they have both been about not posting. My bad. This will only make my 10th post in 2012. Can I even call myself a blogger at this point? Probably not.  

Ok, I think I’m done now. It’s been a while since I’ve done this posting thing so my conclusions are a little rusty.

OBAMACARE!!!!

Haha, I'm just kidding. This has nothing to do with Obamacare. I don't even know what that means. But I did hear someone say Ron Swanson wouldn't like it so my official stance is: I am opposed. That is the foundation of all of my political ideologies, what my favorite fictional sitcom characters might have said about it. But seriously, I didn't know how to start since I've been gone for a month. 

I wanted to check in and say I haven't quit blogging again. I know you were WORRIED about it. Several weeks ago they upgraded all our laptops to Windows 7 at work. The good news is MS Paint has a bunch if new thingies to paint with. The bad news, I lost all the posts I had saved. Then also at work, another department suddenly didn't have anybody that does what I do so I volunteered/was made to feel guilty if I didn't help them out. So now I am super busy at work because it is like I am doing two jobs. Which is better than last year at this time when I was doing no jobs. 

Since this post is basically to say I haven't quit, I will end with why I quit last time. I wrote the below and was all "Whoa, I need to quit." So I did:

In my hometown, there were two separate grocery stores called Food World and Food Land. Growing up, I always wondered which came first. Like, whether Food Land was already there and then Food WORLD came in and one upped him. Or, if Food World was there first and someone less ambitious came along and named there grocery store Food Land. 

I thought someone else should come along and open up a third grocery store called Food Galaxy! Exclamation point optional. Not optional? Having an in house laser tag arena. Because for some reason when I hear the word galaxy, I think laser tag. 

But I am pretty sure the Wal-Mart Supercenter drove all the other grocery stores out of business back in 1999. So, citizens of Guntersville, Alabama, you can blame the Wal-Mart Supercenter for not being able to play laser tag while grocery shopping. Sure you get everyday produce and toiletries at exceptional values, but NO LASER TAG. Was that trade off really worth it?

I bet the Wal-Mart Supercenter* is also responsible for burning down the bowling alley back in '01**

*Dear the Wal-Mart Supercenter, I am just kidding. Please don't sue me. There is no merit to these allegations and I have no reason to believe you have anything against the spirit of fun.

**I am estimating the year that the bowling alley burned. I tried to look it up on Wikipedia to confirm it, but Wikipedia didn't have anything about the early 2000s Guntersville, AL bowling alley burning. What's up with that, Wikipedia?
  
 See? That is why I took a sabbatical. Do you like laser tag?


Protect Your Copper Wiring


Guys, it hit 106 degrees in Atlanta the other day. I think they said that was some kind of state record. I’m not sure because it was hard to hear over the 7 box fans I had pointing at me. No matter if was a record or not, that is hotter than I typically enjoy. It also made me think of this post I wrote almost exactly one year ago.

I saw on the news that thieves are breaking people’s air conditioning units to steal the copper wiring inside. I’d be so ticked if that happened to me. I’d be like Liam Neeson in Taken:

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills that I have acquired mostly while enjoying air conditioning. Skills that make me a nightmare for people who break my air conditioning. If you fix my AC right now that will be the end of it; I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kick you in the crotch then hurriedly run away before you have a chance to get up.”*

*Actual Liam Neeson quote from the movie Taken. Possibly paraphrased.

Seriously though, I wanted to warn all of you about this so you could booby trap your AC units or something. Maybe set a milk jug full of pennies on top of your units. That way the thief will be all “Oh, I will just take this jug of copper money rather than going through the trouble of breaking this air conditioning unit.” Because I think even thieves can be reasonable too if given the opportunity.

However, this is risky because I am pretty sure pennies are not even of made copper anymore which means they may not be a temptation to the thief at all, only proving how worthless pennies really are. If pennies can't avert burglars from breaking your air conditioning unit, do they even serve a purpose?

No matter what pennies are made of, chances are the thief will take your milk jug of pennies and steal your copper wiring. But the joke is really on them because you can put one of those paint ball things in your jug that explodes when the jug is opened. Like banks do. Then they will get arrested for being painted. I think that is how the judicial system works. Don't quote me on that though.

But for real, y'all, please don’t break my AC unit. It’s hot.

This was a year ago and I don't think I have heard of copper theft as being as big of an issue as it used to be so I can only assume my jug of pennies idea has made a difference. Or, they are making AC units out of whatever they make pennies out of now. Honestly, probably neither of those.

Is it hot where you are or should I hate you?

Happy Father's Day


I hope you had a great Father’s day weekend. Even if you aren’t a Father, I still hope your weekend was pleasant. Mine was. On Saturday night, I got to grill out. I love grilling out. I think grilling hamburgers while in air conditioning would probably be my dream job. Except that would kind of be like working at Burger King and that doesn’t seem very ambitious. So never mind. 

Then on Sunday, Ada woke me up by handing me a questionnaire she had filled out about me.  I am going to copy it below, because as I may or may not have mentioned (I can’t remember) I am a very forgetful person and will probably lose that sheet of paper someday, but you can never lose the internet.*

*I take that back, based on personal experience AT&T seems to lose the internet about twice a week.

My dad is 30 years old.
His hair is black and his eyes are green.
My dad likes to wear church outfits.
He loves to eat hamburgers.
He is smart because he knows how to do a flip.
My dad works hard at work.
Daddy always tells me I love you.
It makes me happy when daddy plays baseball and catch with me and tries to “get me”.
If daddy could go on a trip, he would go to CVS and take me with him.
I love it when daddy takes me to the park and the movies and when he cuddles with me.
If I could give him a present I would draw.
For fun, daddy plays.
He likes to drink Diet Coke.
He weighs 100lbs.
I’ve known daddy for a very, very long time.
Daddy’s favorite TV show is football.

For the most part, she nailed it. I do think it is a little sad that the pinnacle of my intelligence is based on my ability to roll over, but I guess that is what you get from someone who aspires to work at Burger King.

Speaking of Burger King, I was reminded of this post I wrote near Father’s day a few years ago, before John even existed. My feelings have only multiplied with my children:


I remember one of the first times I felt like I was a true college student. The previous night my roommate and I had a bunch of friends over, ordered pizza, and spent the night playing xbox and calling each other names. It was fun. It always was. The next morning I woke up, shuffled sleepy-eyed into the kitchen to try and find something for breakfast. Those days, my breakfasts were usually microwave popcorn or canned ravioli. But not that morning, that morning I hit the jackpot. As I was rummaging through our impressive collection of condiments looking for anything I could put the condiments on, when something caught my eye on the counter beside the fridge: an opened pizza box with about a quarter of a meat lovers still in it. I grabbed the box and took it back to bed with me. That was college.

Fast forward about ten years later to this morning’s breakfast. Last night we loaded the family into the car, went to Burger King, and spent the night giving baths and tucking in. It was fun. It always is. This morning I woke up to Ada yelling, “Daddy, where are you, Daddy?” so I shuffled sleepy-eyed into her bedroom and took her down stairs to find something for breakfast. This morning I hit the jackpot. I ended up eating strawberry yogurt and granola out of a mini Little Princess bowl as I was walking around the living room with Ada sitting on my foot holding onto my leg. This is fatherhood.


I wouldn't go back if I could.

Ok, I am going to go try on some church outfits.

Do you like hamburgers?

Ada, aspiring artist

Yesterday I was in the kitchen cooking spaghetti. Real spaghetti, mind you. Not what I used to make in college that I appropriately named “college spaghetti". College spaghetti was just noodles and sauce. No meat. Meat was like three more dollars. You could make college spaghetti for less than $2. If you added meat, that brought the total cost of the meal to over $5 and at that point, you might as well go to McDonald’s. 

So, yesterday I was in the kitchen cooking spaghetti when Ada walks up to me and says, “Daddy, when I grow up I am going to be an artist.” I was happy to hear this because now she’s finally aspiring towards a real vocation, rather than “Disney princess”.

I said, “You know your Aunt Sarah is an artist?” “Really?” “Yeah, we even have one of her paintings hanging in our bedroom.” She took off running towards our bedroom. A few minutes later she came back with a very serious look on her face. “So, what do you think?”

“She’s good…but I’ll probably be better. There weren't any shapes, like circles or triangles, you know? And I would have had more butterflies.” (Note: there are no butterflies in Sarah's painting.)

Sorry, Sarah…Ada's a tough critic. Just ask Laura Beth when she cooks ANYTHING OTHER than macaroni and cheese for dinner. 

If you want to help Sarah get over this, I’m sure traumatizing setback in her career, you can go here and buy stuff from her.

Since we are talking about art, I thought I would try to capitalize and turn this picture I did with Ada several months ago into a profit. I will accept monetary donations in any amount for the print below. Also acceptable are gift cards to movie theaters and/or Chik-fil-a. True, you could just print it off yourself but that would be like stealing Jesus which I am pretty sure is EXTRA sinful and probably impossible since the gift of Jesus is always free.


In retrospect, I would have slid the text more to the right so you could actually see Jesus. But editing text boxes in MS Paint is tough. This exactly the type of stuff you wouldn't have to worry about if you buy something from Sarah.

Also, I would have changed it to Footprints on the Rainbow since rainbows are technically colored water so that would make the whole thing very biblical, but I didn't think about that until just now and like I said, editing text boxes in MS Paint is hard.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

So….our car melted.

Remember back in the old days when our cars were the Altimater and Trina the Tribute? Well, we don’t have either of those anymore. And surprisingly, the Tribute had a more exciting exit plan than the Alitmater.

It started back in February when we received a letter from Mazda. I’ll summarize it for you:

Dear beloved Mazda owner,

FYI- your car might blow up. Don't worry though, we will fix it. Just not right now.  We don’t have the parts yet. We will send you another letter when we are ready. Until then, don’t park near your house because you wouldn’t want that to catch on fire too. We will never have the parts for that. Thanks!

Your friends,

Mazda

Well, our car didn’t make it until the second letter came:


For LB the saddest tragedy of all was that she had just stopped at Sonic to get a Route 44 Diet Coke that she was never able to drink. There it lays, helplessly on the pavement, its innards mingled with engine fluid, liquefied carburetor, and the water used to extinguish the flames. In one respect, it was a wonderful way for a diet coke to go out...to be taken away by the water used to quench the inferno that parched our car the same way it has on so many occasions quenched the thirst that has parched our throats. Very meta. It truly did go down in a blaze of glory. 

Our car catching on fire was postshadowing. (PS. I made that word up because I don’t know what the antonym of foreshadowing is.) At least one day a week for the previous 3 weeks, I got stuck in traffic on the way home from work due to a car catching on fire. By the third week, I was thinking “how does that even happen, how does your car catch on fire? If you’re not in the mob, I mean?” Because being stuck in traffic due to a burning car is decidedly less exciting than it sounds. Turns out it is A LOT less exciting when it is your car.  

In very related news, we now have a minivan. I was tempted to call it a swagger wagon, but I don’t think it is cool to say swagger anymore. I’ve heard Lee Corso say it too many times. And we all know driving a minivan is the epitome of cool. Just yesterday I pulled up to a red light where some teenage hooligans were listening to their rap music too loudly, so I leaned down and cranked up the Veggie Tales. You ain’t crampin’ my style, homeboy.

In conclusion, if you drive a Mazda Tribute, always remember to park near someone’s house you don’t like.  And read this, it will probably come in handy soon. 

What is the most dramatic way you have lost a car?  When I say lost, I mean totaled. Not forgetting which floor of the parking deck you were on.