I like to blog. I enjoy trying to make others laugh while hiding behind my computer screen. It makes it easy to hide when my jokes bomb, which they often do. Or, when I make too big of a stretch, try too hard, or otherwise succeed in some other blogging related failure, I can just keep on going without ever knowing how big of a dork you were/are thinking I was/am. I like to blog.
However, there are times when I go through stretches where I can’t write anything. I try, but nothing comes out. I think it may be because my blog is really about nothing, like Seinfeld only a lot less clever and not near as funny. And no Kramer. Or puffy shirts. Ok, it’s nothing like Seinfeld, but it's true thatI don’t have a central theme to guide me in what to post next. I am pretty sure nonsensical ridiculousness doesn’t count as a theme. So I’ll go weeks where I don’t post anything, like these past few. Every time this happens, I begin asking myself, “What’s the point, really?” and then begin to convince myself that I should hang up the keyboard.
This happens a lot and I’ve written about it before, because strangely, when I write about not writing, I begin to write more. Weird. It’s sort of like that ‘two negatives make a positive’ thing, except I am pretty sure that concept only applies in mathematics. For example, I don’t see how if my arm is somehow ripped off in some sort of tragic farm machinery accident (negative) then I go to the pantry to find that LB has eaten the last of the Cheez-its (negative) can be combined together to somehow form a positive. But, I never was that great at math, so I’m probably wrong.
Anyway, I know that this is pretty much a garbage post which is kind of sad because this is also the post where I wanted to wish LB a happy 4 year anniversary. Basically, this post is me getting LB a card, throwing it into the garbage, and then setting the garbage bag in her lap and saying “Happy Anniversary!” It’s the thought that counts though, right?
Honestly, I don’t feel too bad about how this post turned out. On LB’s anniversary post today, she included a pantsless picture of Ada sitting on a toilet, so I say we’re even.
Happy anniversary, Beetle.
Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote:
Dwight Schrute: Michael, since it is your fifteenth anniversary at the company, I thought it might be appropriate to begin the festivities with a fifteen-minute round of applause..
Michael Scott: I like it.
Dwight Schrute: Followed by a fifteen minute moment of silence.
Blogging About Blogging
I Had a Dream
Any reference to events, people, places, or entities in the following post is purely fictitious and not intended to represent any actual event, person, place, or entity. Any likeness or similarities to actual events, people, places, or entities, and any such likeness or similarities are unintentional and purely coincidental. Because I dreamed this last night, internet.
I awoke to our front door rattling. I sat up in bed. I could hear whispers. I gently shook LB. She could sense my urgency and asked me what was going on as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. I started bringing her up to speed on our current situation, but before I could finish, she bolted straight up and started jumping up and down in the bed yelling, “SHOOT THEM! SHOOT THEM!” I reminded her that I didn’t have a gun, but I was going to take the frying pan lying on my bedside table and go wait beside the door. She cut me off and said, “Here take mine.” while handing me a fully automatic handgun.
I crept downstairs with the pistol outstretched in front of me and turned sideways, because that is how they do it in the movies. The voices were getting louder and I could hear a faint swishing squeaky sound. I peeked through the blinds to see who the mysterious voices belonged to. Much to my surprise I saw three terrorists all wearing leather pants. ‘That explains the swishing sound’, I thought, right before I yelled a warning, “I have a gun!” I tried to use the deepest voice I could muster. They looked startled, but quickly responded in a thick Irish accent, “So do we.” I could see that they were telling the truth. So, I ran back upstairs. LB was still jumping.
I began relaying my new findings to her:
“There are 3 Irish terrorists wearing leather pants trying to pick the lock on the front door.”
“Leather pants?”
“I know, right?”
“What are we going to do?”
“First, could you please stop jumping?”
“Ok, sorry.” (she stopped jumping and sat Indian style on the bed.) “What are we going to do?”
“You call 911. I’m going to go defend my family.” (Then I removed a necklace from around my neck and put it on LB's. She started to say something, but I put my finger over her lips and walked away.)
En route downstairs, I stopped in the laundry room and switched a load that we had washed just before going to bed into the dryer. There were terrorist trying to break into our home, but we can not have our towels smelling all mildewy. Apparently.
Just as I got back downstairs I could see the deadbolt flip from the locked to the unlocked position. Terror shot through me, but I reacted swiftly, I reached up and turned the deadbolt back to lock. I could sense the terrorists’ disappointment through the door as he tried to turn the handle and realized it wouldn’t budge. He reluctantly got his lock picking kit back out and began fiddling with the lock again as I sat with my back against the door that was separating us. A few minutes later the latch unlocked again. So I locked it back. This continued for a while. They would pick the lock and I would lock it back before they turned the doorknob.
I wish I knew how this stalemate ended, but unfortunately that is when I woke up in real life. I like to think that if I had kept sleeping Batman would have shown up and the two of us would join forces in subduing the Irish terrorists. Then Batman would be so impressed with my crime fighting skills he’d recruit me to be his sidekick. It would be like Batman and Robin, only I wouldn’t be all, you know, Robin-y. I would be cool. Except I probably wouldn’t wear a cape. One time when I was about 6 or 7 I went as Superman for Halloween and there was an unfortunate accident with my cape and a car door. I haven’t worn a cape since.
Also, I don’t know why there was a frying pan on my nightstand in my dream. As a general practice we tend to keep all cookery in the kitchen cabinets. To my knowledge, neither a pot nor a pan has ever made it upstairs into our bedroom. But then I also don’t know why LB had a loaded handgun stuck in the waistband of her pajama pants either.
Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote:
Michael: You know, I'm starting to think that what happened in my office was an act of terrorism. It's the only thing that makes any sense.
In honor of April Fools' Day.
April Fools' Day can be an annoying day to be on the internet. Everybody is always trying to trick you and stuff, you never know what to believe. I'm not here trying to pull a trick on you, rather I'm just showing you a video where someone else got tricked. Twice.
This video included several of my favorite things: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Star Wars, the Gospel, and Nigerians.
Archived Post Relevant The Office Quote:
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of deposed king of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country.
